I was pregnant with my first child during the time when classical music, Baby Einstein, Your Baby Can Read, and What to Expect When Expecting (the book, not the movie) were all must do’s of parenting. Yes, this was just at the end of the 20th century. I was a young married woman, just graduated from college, and pregnant. I wasn’t working because while I had a college degree, I thought, “who would want to hire a pregnant woman?” My husband was working two jobs, taking some college courses, and still doing dawn patrol (surfing) with friends. So what did I do all day long? Well, I talked to my baby in the womb because that’s what all the experts at the time said I should do. Of course, I kept my tiny apartment in order, did laundry, cooked dinner (a variety of burnt chicken entrees). And I took very long jogs, which turned into walks as my pregnancy progressed. But don’t worry while I walked I played classical music on my walkman for my unborn child. Oh and I also watched the same soap operas I grew up watching with my mom. While watching these soap operas I carefully placed headphones around my growing tummy with a “How to learn Japanese” cassette playing.

     Then once my daughter was born, I began reading to her as she laid on my lap. All day long. I pushed her in the stroller while I jogged and sang ABCs, Twinkle, Twinkle, and any other childhood song I could remember. But mostly ABCs because I wanted her to learn her alphabet. I made flash cards and bought educational books. My husband and I put our television in storage as soon as I gave birth because child experts said tv was bad! By nine months old, my daughter was lying on her back, holding her book up with her feet and turning the pages as she “read” to herself. Yay! My baby loved books. I felt accomplished. Next step- potty training. Well since it was just me and her every day while my husband worked, I skipped the whole pull-ups phase, went straight to underwear, and dealt with the accidents. That didn’t last long. She was fully toilet-trained by 18 months. I didn’t believe in using those separate kids potties either since I felt that added a whole other step to the process. So I used the small kids' seat that went directly onto the toilet. I even had a folding one for use on the go in public restrooms.

     I know I said tv was bad (that is what the parenting books taught after all), but when my oldest was 15 months old, I gave birth to my second daughter. And this one wanted to eat all day long. Plus she was very attached to me, to say the least. So we dusted off our tv and planted one or both girls in front of it with “Your Baby Can Read” and Disney’s Fantasia videos. While the baby slept, I played with the oldest. And we still went for jogs as I sang, now with a double stroller.  

    My oldest daughter was fluently reading by 3 years old. I was a proud mom when I picked her up from preschool and her teacher informed me that she was the teacher’s helper who read the morning business to the class every morning. My second daughter was not far behind in learning skills but was never as voracious a reader as her older sister.

    By now you must be thinking okay proud mama when are you going to actually share how to motivate and not pressure out your children? I share all this background information to explain how I became a high-pressure parent. Of course, I did not know at the time that’s what I was. All I knew was I wanted to give my children the world. I wanted to set them up for success. I wanted to give them a better life than I had. I learned from books that if my children were smart, if my babies were smart, then that made me a successful parent. I truly believed that if my children could read, had social skills, got into private school, were involved in multiple sports and clubs, went to college, and had good careers, then I’d feel accomplished.

     I have three more children in addition to the two daughters I mentioned. By the time I was pregnant with baby #3, I was no longer a stay at home mom. In the workforce now, things were very different. I did not have the same amount of time or energy to put into teaching my children. But I still felt that education was the most important thing. That if my children were the best students, they would achieve success. I remembered studying child psychology in high school. I read about Jean Piaget, the famous psychologist, who said: “only education is capable of saving our societies from possible collapse.” I pushed my children to do well in school. As they’ve grown it seems my expectations for each child has been greatly affected by my own idea of how much time I gave each of them as babies and toddlers. Does that make sense? For example, I expected straight A’s from my oldest daughter who I stayed home with and read to all day long. B’s weren’t as much of a shock coming from my son who stayed home with daddy after a long overnight shift at work while mommy went to work. My oldest daughter was reading mini-chapter books in kindergarten while her classmates were learning letter recognition. Consequently, she received near perfect report cards. Always straight A’s, but comments such as “distracts the other children during instruction time” and "talks too much during work time.” As the parent who put so much time into teaching my daughter to read and assuring she got into this private school that I thought was such a wonderful institution, I was disappointed. I thought “of course she’s talking during class, she’s bored out of her mind!” Nonetheless, she continued to receive high marks throughout elementary. By the time she was in 3rd grade, I had all five of my children. I had already developed my parenting style based on my less than a decade of experience. But the question is, why did I take personal offense if my children received imperfect grades or comments and credit when they got good marks?  My husband and I both were learning as we went along. We believed we had the same expectations for all our children, but when straight A’s were the norm for one and B’s for another, that set in motion different expectations for each child. Yes, we grounded the straight-A child for 3 months for getting a C and praised another for getting all A’s and B’s.

     Well, I have two adult children now. Plus two teenagers and a pre-teen. The adult children constantly give me advice on raising the other three, sometimes this advice is solicited, sometimes it’s not. Just like I wanted the best for my children as a young mother, the older sisters want their siblings to have it better. They want to save the little ones from having a tiger mom. I am grateful for my oldest daughter’s unfiltered honesty. She has told us that growing up she felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to be perfect. That striving for perfect grades to please me and her father caused anxiety and depression. I understand now that there was a constant fear of disappointing me. A constant feeling of not being good enough. This saddens me infinitely. I’ve always said I want the best for my children. But did I want to succeed as a parent more than anything? Does my children’s success determine my own parenting success? I feel like there’s a very blurred line between our children’s success and our own. But regardless, many children either feel loved conditionally on their successes, or they detach from the family to avoid feeling like they’ve disappointed their parents. We are bringing up our children in such a competitive culture, one where we are made to believe our children won’t succeed unless they get into the best private schools, the best colleges, and the highest paying careers. We fear that we are never doing enough to help our children succeed in a cut-throat world of work and higher education. We think our schools should be better, our teachers should be better, we should be better parents, and our children should be better students. We want our nation to beat every other nation in the world in global education rankings. I know this sounds extreme. But this is the society I became a mother in.

     I’ve learned the hard way that happiness, self-confidence, and a sense of security, not GPA or what your child aspires to be when he or she grows up, should be the real measure of parental success.  If my child feels loved unconditionally, then I’ve done my job. So how do we motivate our children to be good and industrious men and women without pressuring them out so much that they fear being disappointments and feel like a parent’s love is conditional?

1. Encourage open communication and really listen.

2. Do not condemn children for showing their emotions. Instead, welcome these emotions and encourage them to take a moment for themselves.

3. Do not express anger, anxiety, or depression when your child fails to meet your expectations in school or sports. If your daughter brings home a C on her report card, ask her if she’s happy with her grade or if she’s beating herself up about it. Make a plan together in accordance with her reply.

4. Praise your child. Do not give only negative feedback. For example, if your child brings home a B+ on a test, don’t ask why she didn’t get an A.

5. Allow your child to make independent decisions. Do not be a dictator who determines everything your child eats, plays, and participates in.

6. Model grit and resilience. Show your children that it’s good to try new things. And also, that when you commit to something, see it through. Allow them to move on to something else as long as they’ve given it an honest effort and stuck out the season or lesson session. But don’t force them into something they have absolutely no interest in.

7. Allow some downtime for your child. Play fun games that don’t have a learning purpose.

8. Do not argue with your spouse about your child’s success. Do not blame your spouse for not putting enough pressure on the kids to get better grades. If your child gets above average grades, participates in activities, and has friends, THAT IS ENOUGH. Be happy.

9. Set goals. Encourage your child to make a list of things she’d like to accomplish. This helps turn dreams and desires into actionable goals. Then, practice breaking down longer-term goals into realistic benchmarks. You’ll be validating her interests and helping her learn the skills she’ll need to attain her goals throughout life.

10. Express love always. As Mister Rogers said, “A love of learning has a lot to do with learning that we’re loved.”

     Just like my family’s motto “Keep Moving Forward” states, I will never stop learning. I will continue to seek knowledge. I may not be as high-pressure as I was as a first-time parent, but I will still set expectations. I still feel that expectations are necessary for children to develop life skills. When one succeeds, confidence is gained. When one fails and is still shown love, humility is acquired. I will encourage my children to do what makes them happy. I will keep learning to fulfill that wonderful title of “Mother.” After all, it’s the one title I will always hold.