Are we ever ready for our teens to date? No!

When I was growing up, my mom always told me I couldn't have a boyfriend until I was 18. So of course as the good child that I was, I waited...

NOT!

I actually snuck around and hid the fact that I had a boyfriend. My mom wasn't immensely strict. I didn't really have a curfew, except if I was going to be home after 11:00 I needed to call her and let her know my plans. I was a good student, an over-achiever if you will. I didn't get into trouble. I didn't purposely disobey my mom. However, when it came to dating, all my mom said was not til you're 18 and that's final. No explanation. Since I wasn't really good at lying and making up stories, eventually I wound up telling my mom I had a boyfriend. I was 15 at the time.
Now, as a parent, I’d like to say the same to my kids-no dating til you’re 18! If it were up to my husband, my girls would never date. But it’s inevitable right?

So how do we prepare for our teens dating?

Set an appropriate dating age.
Have “the talk” long before dating age.
Never minimize a crush or first love or your child’s feelings.
Explain that dating is about friendship and not physical activity. Respect is key. Explain that any physical activity must be consensual. Talk about the dangers of being sexually active too early.

As you know, I have two adult daughters. I’ve learned through raising them that parenting is a learning experience and that you cannot raise two different children the exact same way. Every child has their own personality. With my oldest daughter, we basically approached dating in a totalitarian manner- our way or no way. We set an appropriate dating age: 16.
However, as history tends to repeat itself, she snuck behind our backs and had a boyfriend at 15 (possibly 14). When children sneak around, they tend to rely on lying and making up stories. Since we have four other children who are all very close (and cannot keep secrets) and we are social media savvy, my daughter eventually came clean about having a boyfriend. However, this did not happen until the relationship was over. Now that my daughter is an adult, she has told me that she would’ve been more open with me if I did not minimize her crushes as a young child and tell her dad every little thing. My mistake was disrespecting a young child’s feelings. Yes it’s important to not keep secrets from your partner, but we also have to respect our children’s feelings.

So, we set that appropriate dating age, then what? We must let our child know the reason behind the age. We can’t just say no dating til you’re 18 because I said so, as my own mom did. We must give an explanation and have a loving talk. We must be frank about the dangers of sexual activity too early. The teenage brain is not ready for the additional emotions that come with sexual activity. Despite all our efforts as parents, sometimes sexual activities happen and it is important that your teen understands that their consent and safety is the most important thing.

We need to let our teens know that dating is about friendship. When they reach that appropriate age and begin dating, we parents must respect their feelings and make an effort to get to know the person they are dating. We should also meet the parents. I’ve always insisted on meeting my kids’ friends’ parents and speaking with them before any gatherings or sleepovers. So why should a girlfriend or boyfriend be any different? It would be ideal to make sure the other family has similar rules and expectations concerning dating. Our children should know how important it is to date people with the same values and standards. We can teach them from a young age that they should never put themselves in a relationship in which they will sacrifice their integrity. We must teach our sons and daughters to always show respect for themselves and their partners.

Teenagers deal with so many changes, such as physical, emotional, possibly changing schools, maybe parents changing jobs, or moving homes. They also deal with peer pressure, pressure to do well in school, pass tests, succeed in sports and other extra-curricular activities. There needs to be a constant. That constant is us parents and our love for them and letting them know we will always keep them safe and do what’s best for them. Show respect for them, teach them to respect themselves and others, and keep the lines of communication open. That is how we can prepare for our teen dating.