“I wish my child were more responsible!” I have heard this statement countless times from parents.
Okay. Here is a confession: just this morning I asked my husband why my son was so irresponsible. And his reply was that it’s very normal at this teen age. And that he remembers going through the same frustration with our older daughters.
This was not new information to me, but I still felt frustration in the moment. How do we get our children to accept personal responsibility for things?
Set a good example
The first and foremost solution is to set a good example. Admit our own wrongs. If we park too close to another car and open the car door only to ding or scratch the car next to ours, accept responsibility and leave a note for the other driver. Do not come home and constantly complain about our boss or coworkers. Don’t blame others. Instead show our children how we can accept personal responsibility and change our own behavior and attitude.
Give them chores!
We must teach our kids responsibility by giving them responsibilities from an early age. Yes, I’m talking about chores. No, I do not believe in paying our children to do chores. I believe in setting expectations that teach children to serve within the home and appreciate the home and family members.
Chores provide children with a sense of responsibility. They provide guidelines of what exactly needs to be done, when, and explain why these chores need to be done. We have a chore chart up in our home’s main hallway that everyone can see. Click here for an example chore chart. Make sure to set consequences for these chores not being done. My teens knew that they couldn’t go out with their friends or have sleepovers if their weekly chores were not completed. For high quality work, have rewards so that children develop a sense of pride. In my home I often hear a little friendly competition regarding chores:
“I clean the bathroom better than you.”
“At least my dishes never have food stuck on them.”
“I always fix my bed in the morning.”
I am a strong advocate of not paying kids to do chores. I feel that we must set expectations, the children must know that there are certain things that just need to be done. However, if your child needs to earn money for something, you could come up with extra household tasks for him to do. Do not reward your child for everything! Praise and encouragement is okay but not rewards for things that are supposed to be done anyway.
Teach them not to blame others
Teaching kids to accept responsibility and not blame others is very important for children to learn at a young age. We cannot change others. Teach them that we have control of our own reactions to situations, but we do not have control over other people. It is so important that our children learn cause and effect. They cannot blame us for not putting their homework in their bag after signing it. They cannot blame the teacher for giving too much homework. We need to teach children that honesty is still the best policy and that admitting mistakes might not do away with a consequence, but that it certainly can make a consequence less severe, and a parent more likely to be lenient. Give them a reason to take personal responsibility.
This also goes back to setting an example for your children. Remember to take responsibility for your own actions, as well. If you really did forget to sign something that your child needs for school when they asked you to, take responsibility and don’t try and blame them.
Have age appropriate consequences
There must be consequences for irresponsible behavior, but these consequences must be age appropriate. Consequences must be discussed ahead of time.
For example, let your teen know that if they put off homework until late Sunday night, then the next weekend they will not be able to go out at all. Or, if they don’t get their chores done by a set time, then they get no screen time or their phone gets taken away for a period of time. Ask your teen what they could have done differently, or what different choices they could have made before enacting the consequence. This communication helps them to understand why they are being reprimanded and will know why they are getting a consequence instead of feeling attacked. After negative behavior occurs and consequences are given, talk to your teen about how they feel. Explain when is an appropriate time to argue a point, and when it’s time to quiet down and let the moment pass.
Also keep in mind how different each of your children are and make sure to have appropriate consequences for each child. My oldest child was in all AP and Honors classes, so I understood why she would be up later doing homework at times. However, the rule about not doing homework late on Sunday night was still in effect for her. Because of this, she had to have better time management and work on her homework on Fridays and Saturdays or else she would not be allowed to go out the following weekend. My second child would sometimes be up late doing homework as well. However, this was because she would sometimes be distracted on her phone or use her laptop for non-educational purposes. In this case, her “punishment” was that her phone was taken away while doing homework, and given back when it was completed.
As you know, raising responsible children takes communication and consistency. We must be good role models. We must admit when we are wrong. And we must express love both when our children act responsibly and irresponsibly. We cannot make them feel afraid to admit mistakes. Consequences must be laid out and there must be follow-through.
Here’s to raising responsible kids!
Happily Yours,
Mahele
